Author: Maryann

Macroediting

The macroediting chapter of Bell is a good resource and something I’ll continue to use, particularly in editing for structural elements. I also liked the worksheet for this exercise. It focused attention on different elements while calling for our own ideas about each. I enjoyed applying them to Libby’s profile story – hope it was a little helpful!

Overall, I enjoyed the process of maroediting more than the micro. It’s not that I don’t get into fine tuning … pretty much can’t tear myself away, but I felt like I could be more helpful in looking at the bigger elements. Now to apply it to my own work …

Microediting

I found this exercise interesting in that it narrowed attention to details of our partner’s piece (which, of course, is what is meant by microediting!*). My inclination would probably be to macroedit first, but as we heard in class, that’s a matter of personal preference. And maybe it would vary depending on the piece.

I tried to keep the main points from Bell in mind and was able to use at least one of them. The tasks of underlining, circling, and highlighting kept me pretty busy, though, and I realized that a lot more time would be needed to apply all of Bell’s suggestions. I can see it as an excellent reference for future editing, whether of my work or others. In fact, I’ve used some of her suggestions in my reviewing my own work already.

I have to agree with Shelby about finding quite a number of adjectives essential to the meaning of a phrase. This brings to mind that the conversation between writer and editor can help to untangle some of that, by jointly considering which ones are essential.

Using the index cards was somewhat helpful, and this seems silly to say – but I’d probably use just one to follow line-by-line instead of framing with the two.

* This, in itself, is an example of redundancy, as mentioned by Bell :).

 

Structure advice

The “Man in the Woods” by Ashley Powers appeared in The Sunday Long Read on June 5th, first appearing in The California Sunday Magazine. It is a chilling and sadly memorable account of a mind unraveled, a life gone terribly wrong. There are plenty of victims, including the killer himself. It is also a dramatically told story of the manhunt to find – and ultimately take down – the tormented young man.

It is most certainly a story rather than a report, without question. According to Clark, a story gives the reader an experience, not just provides information. This piece most definitely takes the reader on a journey, with emotional peaks and valleys; it propels the reader toward the end (noted as key in Blaine’s text).

Distinctive parts and subparts are important, according to Clark. This piece contains 14 sections, I believe. They are not identified by headings but are separated by space between sections or by photographs (at least that’s how they appeared online).

The pattern of sections is worth noting because there is some amount of repetition. They are as follows: 1. Scene setter lede, beautifully written, almost poetic; 2. Key “anecdote” that becomes the crux of the story – Aaron, young man in the woods fires at and kills men investigating his drug operation; 3. Lure of the Redwoods and their attraction to various fringe type individuals and groups; 4 Look back at the early life of Aaron; 5. Manhunt begins; 6. Back to Aaron’s story, progressing forward in time; 7. Second week of manhunt; 8. Introduction of sheriff in charge of manhunt, including his back story of having a brother experiencing mental illness with some similarities to Aaron; 8. Look back at Aaron’s earlier life, again progressing forward in time, with his arrest for behavior related to delusions; sister’s recognition of the darkness of her brother’s life; 9. Exposition about laws regarding involuntary commitment to psychiatric facility, learning how the system failed in this case; 10. Third week of manhunt; 11.Look back at Aaron’s life, forward to the point where his father was relieved to hear he was moving into the woods, which he thought would keep him safe; 12. Closing in on Aaron and shooting/killing him; 13. Reflections from each party in Aaron’s life (except his mother, for some reason); 14. Reflection from the Sheriff who hunted him down, carrying out his responsibilities but still seeing the tragedy of Aaron’s life and humanity. To note from this breakdown is that each aspect of the story moves forward, with the sections interspersed.

Two other tools from Clark to note are use of internal cliffhangers and putting coins along the path. Each section ends with a cliffhanger, to be returned to after the next interspersed section. The coins along the path, to me, are beautifully worded ideas that hit hard. For example, the writer states about Aaron that in the woods, “he was a woodman, not a lost boy.” The thought of hiding his brokenness by removing himself from others and merging into the woods is jarring. We know it won’t work. There are a number of others that make the reader stop and ponder what it must have been like for this “lost boy.”

Something else to mention is juxtaposition. A number of the photographs show natural beauty of the setting juxtaposed with the horrific events taking place. The photograph of Aaron as a young man, handsome and well groomed, juxtaposed with description of how he was regarded by others, despite his relative good looks – “that something about him warned – stay away.” And that same photograph juxtaposed with his mug shot just cries out, “What happened??”  Of course, we learn that the real villain of the story is the mental illness which has stolen his mind.

Outline – The Things That Carried Him

This feature by Chris Jones is an amazing piece of investigative journalism. Using a structure of reverse chronological order, it focuses on people, places, and details in the story of Sergeant Joseph Montgomery, killed in Iraq. His final days and death are not portrayed until the end of the piece. Leading up to it is a disheartening but beautifully written inside look at people involved at each step of his journey, beginning with the funeral director’s son who digs the grave and looks on at the graveside service. The list of characters and their relation to the story, minor or major, is too long to detail in this brief write up. But it is fair to say that little to nothing is left out; few to none are left out.

Note: Breakdown by paragraphs can be found within each section.

Part One – Indiana, The End

  1. Graveside service introduces reader to the story and some of the characters (paragraphs 1 – 26) a.Initially told through the eyes of Don Collins, funeral director’s son, who digs the grave and looks on at the services (1-5); b. Description of the honor guard’s versus the funeral motorcade’s route (6); c. Careful set up of the honor guard to follow protocol and graveside protocol (7-17); d. Passing of the flag to Brigadier General Belinda Pinckney, who presents to the widow, her words, her reflections (18-24, includes exposition about meaning/history of flag presentation); e. Exiting from graveside services and continuing reflections of soldiers, Brigadier General; final burial by Don Collins and his father (25-26). Note: The transitions that introduce new individuals to the readers are masterful. For instance, he uses the thoughts of one to transition to the introduction of the next.
  1. Church services are depicted through the eyes of Sergeant Montgomery’s mother, Gail, beginning with her recollections of having baptized Joseph in that same church. It is heartbreaking (paragraphs 27 – 31); a. Recollection of her child as an infant, recalling his baptism (27); b. Gail’s struggles over the years. We understand some of what she has endured as well as her own resilience and strength, betrayed by her reliance on cigarettes as part of her coping (28 – 30); c. Description of what strangers could know from looking on. What a great technique for adding details not immediately related from the stories of the closest mourners! (31)  Note: The reader is learning of the subject’s life through the eyes of multiple people, giving a view not knowable to those who met Montgomery later in his life.
  1. The arrival at local airport and procession to hometown, accompanied by state troopers, funeral director, family, best friend. It is a mix of ritualistic practices and individual grief (paragraphs 32-54; a. Recollections of state troopers as the largest response they’ve seen (32-34); b. Mission and origins of the Patriot Guard, formed in response to threat of protestors; words of mother who is appreciative of that (35); c. Collins, Sr. and army sergeant in car behind, followed by family members, and friend, Ryan (36-37); d. Details of Montgomery’s earlier life, friendship with Ryan, days of alienation from his family, including an episode of homelessness, reconciliation with family and girlfriend, young adult life as husband and father, including his struggles that led to army enlistment. (38-54)
  1. Family viewing of the remains (paragraph 55 – 58); a. Funeral director and army sergeant determine that his remains look acceptable enough for the family to view (always up to discretion of those in attendance and the family themselves) (55-57); b. Indications that his body is not complete by older brother who attempts to put his ring on the gloved finger (there is nothing there) (58)Note: This grisly detail of the missing finger foreshadows later recognition of the details of his death and of incomplete remains.
  1. Description of carrying of casket from plane to awaiting transport, mostly through the eyes of Jim Staggers, link in the chain of” honorable transfer” (paragraph 59 – 75); a. The emotionality to Staggers and the full attention he gives to each body he accompanies (59-63); b. What can be deduced from the weight of the casket and the notation that Montgomery’s is lighter than might be expected (64- 65,also foreshadowing); c. Guardsman focus on detail to keep “game face”; Staggers cannot deny his humanity and breaks down in tears after reading words of honor (66-72); d. Carrying the casket to the hearse (73-74); e. Mention that two soldiers in convoy will themselves be called to Iraq 2 months later (75). Note: further use of foreshadowing and coming to terms with realities of the circumstances of his death

Part Two – Dover Air Force Base

  1. How honored transport of bodies began and how it’s carried out through the eyes of Steve Greene who own the planes enlisted for this duty (76-88); a. In Greene’s description of how he became involved and performs his services, he makes his observations of the variety of responses on a community basis known (76-88); b. Memories run into each other, Greene states, an acknowledgement of having seen so many (88). Note: This section brings into awareness a broad cast of characters, including civilians who are contracted for services in the chain of transport.
  1. Through the eyes of army Major who saw Montgomery’s arrival at Dover AFB in an aluminum transfer case from oversees, description of the protocol upon arrival including check for explosives within the case, autopsy and preparation/embalming of body (89-110); a. Rather than breaking this down detail by detail, the main points to be acknowledged are that attention is paid to every detail. It is extremely painstakingly done so as not to miss anything. Mention is made of being sure to not put the wrong ring on a body, for instance. This reiterates the earlier detail of his older brother noticing that his ring was missing. Those preparing the body did not have a ring for Montgomery, foreshadowing the later reveal of missing body parts (89-108); b. Recollection of polishing brass of a soldier to be cremated – reinforcing the honor given to war dead, even if it is known only to those preparing the body (109); c. Flag added to casket (110). Note: This section emphasizes excruciating detail given to preparations to honor the fallen soldiers.
  1. Recollections of those removing bodies from aircraft at Dover for funeral preparations (111-128); a. The formalities are clear in the words and the mechanics of transfer. Bodies are being brought into the morgue for identification and preparation, as described in the preceding section. There is protocol and sobriety at each step. Note: Jones does not miss any opportunity to convey deeply felt emotions and honor conveyed by traditions.

Part Three – Forward Operating Base Falcon

  1. Recognition by Montgomery’s friend, Staff Sergeant Terry Slaght, of the death (129-136)-This section highlights the reaction, disbelief, of a close army friend to the realization that it was Montgomery’s body in the truck to be carried for air transport. He examines his friend’s body for identifying features, as he has been taught to do. Note:  The story is building to the disclosure of details of his death. In portraying Slaght’s dismay and grief, the widespread impact of this one person’s life is apparent.
  1. Brother’s last contacts, visit to Bagdad (which is amazing in itself); chain of contacts regarding notification of death (137-162); a. Micah visit Joseph in Bagdad (137-145); b. Family members being notified of death, with Micah as central figure, attempting to protect family members from trauma; c. Culminating with notification to mother and wife (149-161); d. Knock at the door of Missie, Sergeant Montgomery’s wife, at 4 a.m. This drops like a hammer. (162). Note: The readers know it’s coming, yet the impact is still great. We are carried along to the moments at which family members are faced with the notification.
  1. Wife’s last contact, which turns out to be the night of his death; comrades’ discovery of his body without the lower half missing; carrying of his body by fellow soldiers to army morgue (163-224). Note: Readers are led to these moments in which Montgomery, as a living being, talks with his wife and is on duty with his fellow soldiers.
  1. The last time the platoon saw Sergeant Montgomery as the air transport, carrying his body back to the U.S., took flight and disappeared into the sky (225). Note: It is interesting that the piece ends with fellow soldiers watching the air transport carrying him back to the states, rather than with his final moments of life. It emphasizes that this piece is really about his place in the lives of others.

Ledes

Administration of the ganokao, final school exam in China, brings an entire nation to its heels for what is considered to be a single determinant of individuals’ futures and fortunes. The enormity of that is conveyed in the lede of the story “Is China’s gaokao the world’s toughest school exam?”

The first paragraph is a scene setter. It describes preparations across China for a single day in June when the test is given. Collective efforts focus on controlling the environment surrounding examination halls.  Traffic is detoured, construction or any activity that might generate noise is suspended, and police patrol to avert potential disruptions. The enormity of the stakes of this test hit the reader hard.  The imagery of an ambulance standing by is almost chilling.

So, yes.  I thought it did cry out – “J.C., listen to this!” And the story does not disappoint. It portrays one individual’s preparations for the test, confidence in taking it, and tension in waiting for the results. I won’t give away the ending in case you haven’t read it, but I found it incredibly memorable and thought-provoking.

Three things drew me to this story – one being my complete unfamiliarity with the word gaokao, which sparked interest, especially in the context of the title calling it possibly the world’s toughest test.  Secondly, the deck set up a scenario of success or failure of epic proportions, sounding quite dramatic. And thirdly, we are a multicultural family with Amerasian granddaughters. The girls’ maternal grandparents grew up in China and share stories of their school experiences. I don’t believe they took the gaokao (it may have been suspended at the time) but they present a picture of school as a harsh and demanding environment.

Interview Postmortem

I began engaging in postmortem analysis of my interview with Shelby immediately after leaving our recording session.  My thoughts going into it had been of possible problems with the technology, either in picking up the audio or saving it properly.  Fortunately, there was not catastrophic equipment failure, but I think it threw me off somewhat in the moment.  Besides preoccupation with equipment, the purpose of producing audio for a podcast made the conversation feel somewhat stilted in order to avoid interjecting unwanted sounds into the recording.  No confirming words, not a lot of back and forth, other than head nodding and such.  It did not feel completely natural.

While editing for the audio pod, there were some questions I wished I had asked.  I wished, for instance, that I had asked Shelby to describe the sights and sounds of the locations she visited, beyond noting their relations to literary pieces.  I also wished I had asked her how they compared to mental images she had beforehand and if the realities changed her memories of the stories.

Looking at the tips given by CNN and CJR was somewhat reassuring.  In relation to CNN tips: 1. I did ask mainly open-ended questions; 2. I did not interrupt silences; and 3. I did invite the last word.  In relation to CJR tips: 1. I had prepared myself by reading Shelby’s story of travel to Edinburg, Scotland and had searched the internet for stories about literary travel; 2. I had prepared a list of questions, which I committed to memory but did not reference during the interview; 3. And again, silences were not averted with pointless interjections.  On balance, it was a good learning experience.  My performance was probably not great nor was it terrible.  I thank Shelby for providing interesting material.  And I really liked creating a podcast.  I would definitely tackle it again, hopefully more confident with the technology, and doing a little better next time!

Voices – Franklin’s piece on Shirley Jackson

For this analysis, I chose “The Novelist Disguised as a Housewife,” excerpt from Ruth Franklin’s biography of Shirley Jackson.

Voices, in order of their inclusion in the article, are as follows:

  • Shirley Jackson herself (subject), in reply to the question of her occupation, which she stated as “writer,” and at other points in the piece such as in a letter to her parents, letter to a friend, and her thoughts in general about squeezing in writing time while presenting herself as just a mother and housewife with a penchant for writing.
  • The hospital clerk (local community) who determined that a more acceptable response than “writer” would be housewife.
  • The characters she created in cartoons (fictitious extension of subject’s imagination), such as an onlooker to a woman dragging her husband by the hair. “I understand she’s trying to have both a marriage and career,” the cartoon character says.
  • The wife of a writer (closely involved with subject) who was said to have been incredulous that a writer would “allow” his wife to have a child.
  • Midge Decter, friend (closely involved) and later editor, who commented that “it was the men who needed looking after … They had many demands.” She also noted that having kids was “not part of the bohemian life.”
  • Jackson’s husband (Hyman) as depicted in her cartoons, being detached from demands and needs of family and instead expecting to be served.
  • Hyman in his own words (closely involved with subject) about having kids, “Bring ‘em to me when they can read and write,” and with regard to his own needs, “I did three paragraphs at once and it tired me out.”
  • Two year old son describing Daddy as “man who sits in chair reading.”
  • Spock (national figure), words taken from his child-care manual
  • Her children who described aspects of their upbringing; their third child, Sarah, who said, “She was afraid she would lose us,” as explanation for Jackson keeping them in her watchful eye; her son, Laurence, who recalled her quirky, playful ways.
  • Friend of daughter, Sarah, who recalled that Jackson could be a tough disciplinarian
  • Another writer, Alice Munro (likely a friend of Jackson’s) who spoke of having the same constraints on writing time that Jackson experienced.
  • Kit Foster, a friend (closely involved) who recalled Jackson leaving a game of Monopoly to write a short story.
  • Betty Friedan, feminist writer (national figure), who saw Jackson as selling herself (and by extension, other women) short, by making it seem as though she was dashing off her literary pieces between her household chores.
  • General admiring tone of fan mail received (generalized others as fans).

There are many voices present in this short piece, giving us a rich picture of the life and persona of Shirley Jackson as well as the context of the times.  Interesting reading … and eye-opening to see the number of voices that are included and how they are all woven together!

Hopping freight trains with the dirty kids – slideshow

New York Times article

Ever hear of the dirty kids “movement”?  Perhaps some of you have, given that its origins are in the millennial generation.  I had not.  But still … the lifestyle it represents is almost timeless.  Perhaps it was just called train hopping in days past, those we called hobos traveling the rails.

I have been privy to stories about these travelers from my husband, who grew up in an isolated spot next to the amazingly beautiful Hudson River in Poughkeepsie, New York, just yards from the Hudson rail line.  He tells stories of seeing hobos walk the rails and camp around the bend from his house, of smelling their campfires and of polite but weird encounters with these travelers, sometimes in broad daylight and many times in the dark of night.  The contrasts these stories bring up are incredible.  The majestic Hudson, with its soothing sounds of water lapping onto the rocks contrasted to the deafening roar of trains approaching and receding; the image of fast-moving freights, carrying the latest in consumer goods, passing by bums who meander along in no particular hurry, hoping for scraps to cook on their campfires.  And so, this story captured my attention.

The dirty kids have been called a movement, although that may suggest something on a grander scale than is probably the case.  Nevertheless, they are mostly young people who have decided to live a traveling life on the rails, occasionally staying in a cheap motel along the way or hitchhiking on a highway.  They may occasionally work at a stop-over point but more often rely on money from panhandling.  They are vagabonds who scoff at a traditional lifestyle and form bonds with their comrades on the rails.

This New York Times article, published on March 8, 2016, is about the dirty kids.  It includes a slideshow which tells the story even more powerfully than does the text.  I believe it contains a good assortment of images, well done photographically (although I’m probably not well qualified to judge), with fair to good captions.  There is just one picture in the slideshow that I think is weak – #16, showing hands and partial arms reaching up toward sky.  The intent may have been to show exhilaration but it probably could have been cropped differently – to show less sky and more of the arms in addition to hands.  Captions are placed to the side and do not cover the photographs at all, which is good.  Words are white against a dark background and are readable.  One somewhat negative comment I have is that some of the individuals named in the captions could be described beyond just their first names – even something simple like, “Tiffany joined the group in Alabama” would give some context.  Despite those minor critiques, I think it’s a good slideshow that complements the article.

2016 Election Forecast

There are a number of infographics on this webpage from fivethirtyeight.com, and they all work together to give a picture of the political landscape at this time.  I’ll restrict my comments to the map at the top.  I chose it because I’m a political junkie and this is an updated projection.  The infographic uses comparison between candidates in terms of likely electoral votes.  Color gradations are used to show likelihood of winning for the candidate currently favored in that particular state.  Tufte’s principle of comparisons is exemplified here.  This map shows a series of comparisons between the candidates, making clear that one is being compared to the other in terms of her or his likelihood to win each state.  Likelihoods are presented in percentages for each candidate for each state, found by hovering over that particular state.  Of course, a projected grand total of electoral votes and chance of winning is also given, clearly conveyed at the top.

I just learned something from reading Katie’s post, which was made while I was composing mine – looking at multiple inforgraphics on the page as example of Tufte’s principle of integration.  That makes sense.  Thanks, Katie!