Budget Critiques

Rush:

This story idea is interesting, mostly because I think that Rush is a place that college students would like to know more about and would find intriguing. That said, I think that the writer of this budget actually could have benefited from reading Clark’s Tool 40. This is a good baseline mission statement. It gives me a list of sources, it provides insight into why the story is relevant (physical and mental/emotional benefits, stress relief), however, if I were this writer’s editor, I would want to know more about how the story will be formated. Is this a profile of Rush? Is this a trend piece about new ways of relieving stress? Is this more strictly a health story? I would want them to focus more on specifics, rather than broad ideas. I might also suggest that they ask themselves some of the questions Clark presents under Tool 42. Why are you telling this story? Have you seen evidence that students are using places like Rush as a way to relieve stress? If not, is this just a cool activity that you’re interested in at a personal level? Prove to me that what you’re claiming it’s being used for is true, beyond just the fact that exercising naturally makes people happier.

#TheWhoevers:

Needs work. This is just a series of questions that seem to lack a lot of forethought. Very little homework seems to have been done here, so I suggest Clark’s Tool 42. As I said in my response to Rush, I think asking the questions Clark mentions in this section would be incredibly useful in giving this writer a sense of purpose. What’s this story about? Is it about the culture that allows technology to be used during wedding ceremonies? Is it about the opinions of brides and grooms on cell phone use? Is it about how weddings have changed because of cell phone use? There seem to be several different directions that this story could go, and it would definitely benefit from being given one, much more narrow focus area. What is the story being told? Again, this question would help narrow the writers focus and make it easier for them to see the story that they want to tell. It would help them think about format, style and direction. I think this writer could also have benefited from Clark’s saving string tip. Talking about the culture of technology within the world of weddings (which have their own inherent culture and are also intertwined with religious cultural practices, etc) will be challenging to do well. It would be good to have some knowledge on the subject before beginning to write.

[Indian] Dance Revolution:

This budget confuses me for a number of reasons, but let me start by asking — where does the Indian Dance Revolution tie in? I see that they’re talking about stunts and dance and gymnastics, but there is literally no mention of any Indian culture or India in general. I don’t understand the connection. Moving on. This writer needs to practice a little Tool 40 and find the actual meat of the story they want to tell. Beyond that, they need to find out why this is relevant. Sure, it may be happening, but why do we care? What makes this interesting to readers? What is the point of this story? This is where Tool 42 would be useful. They did provide sources, however, and that is a good step.

CAPS:

A few things that I notice right away — is this a story about why CAPS is receiving more patients (as in, the factors that contribute to increased visits) and how they deal with demand or is it about eating disorders? I think that eating disorders would naturally tie in if they are proven to be a factor contributing to more CAPS patients, however, it feels disjointed just tossed in at the end. Perhaps it is of interest to the writer? If so, they may have benefited from saving string on the topic of eating disorders at the university. It would certainly have aided them in finding information to support the idea that eating disorders are contributing. Again, I suggest Tool 40. Tell me more about format, sources, etc. They do share why they’re writing the story (the increased number of patients), but they fail to share why that’s of interest to their audience. Are they students who might be dealing with some of the contributing factors? Are they professors? It’s always good to write with an audience in mind because that will help narrow your focus and make your writing more relevant when published.

Barre Exam:

Oh, no. My politest apologies to the writer, but this is just no good. It is like a summary of a budget, rather than a budget. I understand that it’s a trend story and that’s really all. I don’t know why this is relevant. Yes, it’s ‘sweeping the nation’ and is a trend, but why do people care? What makes it a trend? What will make it trendy in Athens or in the area the writer is working in? Why are they writing it? If it’s just because it’s a trend, what they’ve written here tells the story (and it’s not a very interesting one). What will the format of this be? How long will it be? Word count? How will they localize the story? What sources will they use? If I had to guess, I would say that this writer procrastinated a bit and could benefit from Tool 41. Thinking a little more about the story would be helpful, even at this stage.

Budget Critiques by Sandra

Rush:
I liked this one, mostly because I discovered Rush for myself a couple of weeks ago while visiting Athens Church (they’re in the same parking lot). I didn’t go in – it was closed at the time (late night) – but I’m considering doing so and would even like to take my sister there the next time she visits me in Athens.

I think the author made a good use of Tool 40: Draft a mission statement for your work. He or she gave a good proposal of what he/she proposed to do. As someone who’s interested in visiting the site, I would have actually liked to see all the stuff the author proposed, as well as a first-hand account: I would have liked for the author to have gone in and bounced on the trampolines, somersaulted into the foam pits. That would give it the most tangible edge, in my opinion.

#TheWhoevers, CAPS, and Barre Exam
#TheWhoevers, CAPS, and Barre Exam left much info to be desired. The former was the worst, consisting only of questions. CAPS and Barre Exam do better by presenting an opening problem statement (Barre’s was shorter and definitely lacking), but then both just have questions too. Although the questions asked are relevant, the authors make no game plan on how to go about finding the answers to those questions. Tool 40 needs to make an appearance in all three; without it, these are just questions on a page.

[Indian] Dance Revolution
Tool 40 must be my favorite tonight (I promise I did read the rest!), because it comes up here too. Unlike #TheWhoevers, CAPS, and Barre Exam, [Indian] Dance Revolution has the problem in that it is just a statement: there are no questions or inquiries. In other words, I don’t know what the author wants to solve, and hence what story he or she wants to tell. Need a game plan, folks.

Budget Critiques

1. The budget proposal “CAPS” offers little in terms of answers to its own questions.. By providing a short anecdote and incorporating a “broken line” as Clarke suggests in Tool 40, you could illustrate the struggle of students attempting to use CAPS and then break the anecdote with questions of how to proceed and why they are choosing to go in for counseling originally, which can address the main proposed question.
2. The proposal #TheWhoevers is nothing but questions and offers to foundational facts to begin research upon. It might to be more impactful to the reader to provide a current state of marriage and its involvement in social media, then foreshadow that all may not be well with integration of the two. Building up to the point of a dilemma between the infusion of hashtags and phones into modern weddings would present a dynamic problem that could be examined and potentially resolved by the end of the piece.
3. The proposal Rush is set up to be improved with personal experience/or even self critique in order to better hit home the sentiments expressed in the budget. To better explore the physical and emotional effects of the facility, he can insert himself into the experience and write on his own inner dialogue of the experience.

Budget critiques

  1. All the budgets fail to answer the “so what” question, which is mentioned in writing tool 40. In “Rush”,  the author said he/she think the topic would be interesting, but the author didn’t explain why the reader will be interested in the topic. Also, as for me, I would ask why should I care about the barre exam or the dancers?
  2. The whoevers and Dance Revolution failed to come up with solid story idea. In the whoevers, the author raised a series interesting questions, but didn’t mention the main theme and angle of the article. In the Dance Revolution, the author only introduced the background information of stunts but didn’t mention what story he or she is going to explore. Does the author only want to introduce the stunts? Or the author wants to explain why the trend raised? Or the author wants to explore the effects this trend would cause?
  3. Except the Rush and Dance Revolution, the rest budgets lack of interview sources.
  4. All the budgets didn’t mention what tools do they need to build the story. I think the method of “saving string” mentioned in writing tool 44 is really useful.

Budget critiques

I’m assuming each of these entries has been submitted by a different student (given wording in the assignment) and am also working from the definition of “budget” as given in Mod 4.  With that in mind and from readings in Writing Tools, I’ll venture the following critiques:

  1. All of these budgets lack background stories from which to draw. Not only is the need for previous stories in the description we’ve been given of budgets but would also constitute the gathering of “strings” from which to build a story, as mentioned by Clark (writing tool 44).  For instance, the budget for “Rush” could include stories about effectiveness of physical activity to reduce stress, stress experienced by college students, and appeal of studios such as this (in compare/contrast to other types of physical activity).  The same could be said about each of the other budgets since none includes researched background.
  2. It seems that each of these falls short on the identifying the point of the story (writing tool 42). Rush and Barre Exam both sound interesting but the proposals come across as promotions of a particular workout trend.  There is probably a bigger story that would move them beyond sounding promotional or limited in scope to say something about the fitness/lifestyle picture.  The CAPS story seems more focused initially.  Assuming that data upholds the statement about increasing usage of the counseling center, the questions posed are relevant and important.  However, the question about eating disorders seems tacked on, without context.  The proposal on the Indian Dance Revolution obviously appeals to a particular audience, which is not made clear; in addition, it does not lead anywhere.  I feel bad for the teams that need help choreographing stunts … but the proposal doesn’t tell us that help is on the way.  The #Whoevers story also sounds interesting but could be more finely tuned to the point.  It seems to focus on couples’ and wedding planners’ reactions, which are valid questions in themselves.  After all, maybe this would appear in a wedding planning publication (in which case it would also be interesting to consider how the couple would control guests use of technology!).  But, a broader point could be how immersion in technology removes us from the moment, going beyond weddings to many other situations.
  1. Writing tool 40, from Clark, focuses on having a mission statement as a guiding principle. Having a mission helps to put individual stories within that broader framework.  It’s not possible to tell with any certainty from these brief budgets if an underlying mission has been developed.  However, there are none apparent in any of them.  As Clark suggested, it is a good question to consider at the onset.  In the case of the Rush and Barre Exam proposals, for instance, a mission statement might help place these trends within the larger fitness picture, perhaps writing from the perspective that there is something for everyone and that each person can find what works best for him or her.

Budget Critiques

  1. I understand that the budget is probably about trends, but beyond that, I fail to see a connection between the stories. It would be more helpful to focus in a little more to be able to form a few good contacts that can be reused for multiple stories– someone to ask about social media, someone to ask about the trend in the community, someone to ask about the trend itself, etc.
  2. Some of the story ideas like the Barre fitness and wedding story fail to provide source ideas. How would the writer be able to find sources to interview about each? Perhaps narrowing the focus and establishing more specific ideas for an angle would help the writer establish better contacts who would be able to answer more tailored interview questions and put out a better story in general.
  3. Finally, I believe the first story idea is the most fleshed out and it is revealed to be the writer’s forte of sorts. Perhaps the theme of the first story, the connection of physical and mental fitness, is the theme through which to establish a connection between stories. This theme can be applied as a more specific angle for the Barre story and the CAPS story– create an underlying connective theme of the effect of physical activity on mental wellness and I believe the stories would more easily connect and shape themselves.

Budget Critiques

  1. “Do Your Homework Well in Advance.” I notice that most of these budgets do not contain abundant lists of contacts. I have learned the hard way that it is far easier (in the long run) to research and reach out to many experts in your field, more than you think you will ever have the time/opportunity to formally interview. Interviews *will* fall through–you and your subjects alike have lives. People get sick. People have family emergencies. People have to cancel. But if you have already identified other subjects (and ideally reached out to them at least once), it’s easier to schedule another interview and move forward. It’s also nice when you’ve researched a field thoroughly enough that when one of your interviewees starts referencing another expert, you’re already at least familiar with the name.
  2. “Draft a Mission Statement for Your Work.” I was intrigued by the idea for “(Indian) Dance Revolution.” As a former dancer, anything about dance piques my interest. But I was missing the “why” in this budget. I care about this idea because I like dance, but why should anyone else care? It might help this individual to sit down and write out what they’re really trying to accomplish with this piece.
  3. “Break Long Projects Into Parts.” I really like the idea for “#TheWhoevers.” Catchy little title, too. But I feel like there’s lots of territory to be covered here. Is this a piece that would better be broken into several parts about social media and weddings in general?